10 months missing My Love

Ten months and counting. I don't know why. It doesn't really matter. He's gone and he's never coming back. I won't hear him say 'I love you'. I won't see his smile. I won't hear his laugh. I won't feel his arms wrapped around me. All I can do is try my best to recall what he sounded like, what he felt like, what he looked like.

I'm very depressed. Meds, counseling, getting out and doing things. It's all just filler that will never fill. Some days, I'd rather be where he is. Some days, I'd rather be here. Some days, I'd prefer just sleeping away the day because it keeps me from thinking about it all. But, then I wake up and it's all shoved in my face again. I don't know what I feel half the time. The other half, I feel nothingness. Every ounce of my spirit has been stripped away. People keep telling me time will heal. Fuck you. Heal what? Not this gaping hole in my heart. I'll just hide it from you because you don't know how to handle me. I don't even know how to handle me.

I miss My Steve. I miss waking up next to him. I miss feeling alive with him. Yes, I know that I was a person before Steve, too. But that person didn't truly feel alive until I met him. I still carrying conversations with him. I tell him I love him still, every night before I go to sleep. I air hug and kiss him. There are still many signs that he's with me and I treasure every single one of them.

I have no Grand Adventure right now. I feel lost. Hurt, Pain, This isn't an adventure. It's a nightmare that is my reality. I don't know how to 'get out of it'. I don't know if I'll ever 'get out of it". My life was an adventure with him. I'm lonely without him.

I'm not writing this to make everyone sad. I'm writing it because I need to purge it. Put it somewhere else instead of my head. So, someone hears me. I can't say this blog will ever get 'happier' right now. Maybe some day it will.

Meeting Bridget!

Headed back to the motherland to see the family and meet my favorite new niece, Bridget. I had a great time with her and everyone else. It was nice to see a few friends as well. It's always sad to leave everyone, but I think I soaked up enough hugs and kisses from lil Bridget to last a few months. Then, I'll have to plan a trip to SC to see her again in the Spring!

Elyse and I with our Oreo and Pumpkin Pie Martinis!

Grandma and Grandson

Bridget, your daddy is silly!

Colleen, Elyse and I downtown Btown

Reunited and it feels so good!

The Knappers, Chris, Becky and Floyd

I love my Uncle Mikey!

Watching the Tigers

Bridget's pre-Baptism gathering

Grandma, I want my Mommy! 

Jonas chompin on his bone

Great-Grandma Rajca always makes me laugh!

Bridget says, "Steve-O, you and Erin are next!" :)

Poopy Disposition

Jon and I at our old stomping grounds in EL

Go Sparty!

Shannon and I cheersing to Oreo martinis and good times!

Candid shots

Here's some of the things we've been up to in the past month. My co-worker Chris and wife Bo Mee were married in Seattle, shots of some of my co-workers, Steve's Northwest Apprentice Competition (he was the judge this year for the pipe bending portion), and some pics from the outdoors and indoors of Washington State.

Chris and Bo Mee say "I do"

Co-workers Leanne, me, Melissa and Kari

Steve and I all dressed up!

The whole OPT gang

Just pulling wire and more wire, at work

Paving the new runway at the local airport in the morning sun

Steve getting ready to judge the Northwest Electrical Competition

Hiking Mt. Erie, Anacortes, WA

Puget Sound, Cambell Lake from atop Mt. Erie

After a short walk at a park in Stanwood

After a brief walk at Lake Padden Park in Bellingham, WA because Joe decided to bite himself free of his leash!

Mt. Erie hike- Steve holding up the forest!

Hannah basking in the sunshine

Photo shoot preview of our Halloween card. Yes, Joe is a monkey.

The "Tebow" on Mt. Erie

Grant's 3rd birthday party with Alea and William

Steve found love in Target, a giant stuffed gorilla.

Hannah really loves her banana costume!

Trail tree chair on Mt. Erie hike

Watching football with daddy

Steve and Grant having birthday fun!

Snooze Bros for life!

Good morning kisses!

Triathlon Weekend!

I competed in the Lake Stevens triathlon, a race involving a 1/4 mile swim, 10 mile bike ride and a 3.1 mile run. I finished in a time of 1 hour 37 min.

Steve also competed in his very first triathlon, Escape from the Rock, on Mercer Island. His race involved a 1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike ride and a 2.5 mile run. He finished in 1 hr 23 min!