10 months missing My Love

Ten months and counting. I don't know why. It doesn't really matter. He's gone and he's never coming back. I won't hear him say 'I love you'. I won't see his smile. I won't hear his laugh. I won't feel his arms wrapped around me. All I can do is try my best to recall what he sounded like, what he felt like, what he looked like.

I'm very depressed. Meds, counseling, getting out and doing things. It's all just filler that will never fill. Some days, I'd rather be where he is. Some days, I'd rather be here. Some days, I'd prefer just sleeping away the day because it keeps me from thinking about it all. But, then I wake up and it's all shoved in my face again. I don't know what I feel half the time. The other half, I feel nothingness. Every ounce of my spirit has been stripped away. People keep telling me time will heal. Fuck you. Heal what? Not this gaping hole in my heart. I'll just hide it from you because you don't know how to handle me. I don't even know how to handle me.

I miss My Steve. I miss waking up next to him. I miss feeling alive with him. Yes, I know that I was a person before Steve, too. But that person didn't truly feel alive until I met him. I still carrying conversations with him. I tell him I love him still, every night before I go to sleep. I air hug and kiss him. There are still many signs that he's with me and I treasure every single one of them.

I have no Grand Adventure right now. I feel lost. Hurt, Pain, This isn't an adventure. It's a nightmare that is my reality. I don't know how to 'get out of it'. I don't know if I'll ever 'get out of it". My life was an adventure with him. I'm lonely without him.

I'm not writing this to make everyone sad. I'm writing it because I need to purge it. Put it somewhere else instead of my head. So, someone hears me. I can't say this blog will ever get 'happier' right now. Maybe some day it will.